I don't have a degree in psychology and will never claim to know how to solve serious problems, so anything I write on this blog is from my brain, my heart, and my own experiences.
I'm (at least) two types of people wrapped into one.
I go through phases where I keep everything MESSY, disorganized, with no purpose or plan at all. Sometimes I know I have so much to do, so much to sort through, so many appointments to schedule and pieces of mail to file... that I just take a nap. When I wake up and wipe the drool of my face, I'm still surrounded by piles of dishes, stacks of receipts, and constant, repetitive, nagging thoughts about all the things I've yet to do because I'm a failure. This causes even more depression.
I get so overwhelmed that when people call or stop by unannounced, I'm caught so off guard that I claim I need to keep cleaning but I look around and nothing's been done. It's a vicious cycle that I constantly throw myself in. It's not that I'm necessarily a sloppy or dirty person, it's just that I get overwhelmed easily and lack the energy to try most days. I just feel... blank... emotionless... still.
My other (or one of my other) personalities (I don't actually have split personality disorder, in case you didn't get the sarcasm) is exceptionally organized and detailed.
I can dismantle an entire room and by the end of the day (and the bottom of a coffee pot) I will have everything in its place and every place will be labeled. I have multiple folders, files, sticky notes, cork boards, note books, binders, and tons of office supplies to keep my life (but mostly my brain) organized.
Today was a good day. It actually started a few days ago when I went to the library and rented this book called Clean My Space . Definitely check out this chick's YouTube channel. There is something so oddly satisfying about watching someone else clean, that it makes you feel like cleaning your own house.
I watched about 6 of Melissa Maker's videos on tips and tricks for making cleaning simpler and almost fun, and then I passed out. I woke up the next day and started attacking my own house from top to bottom, left to right. I have actually 'cleaned my spaces' so well that I've been able to maintain a sense of order throughout the weekend and into this week.
One of the rooms I attacked (I have to say 'attacked' because to say that I just 'cleaned' would be a major understatement) was my office. I gathered every piece of mail into a pile and started filing it all away into the binders and folders I had pre-designated from my last hypo-manic state of organizing. I took everything off of my bulletin boards and re-hung only the most important tasks that needed my immediate attention.
Today I tackled some of those things. I finally sent in my application to community college, which I'll write a separate post about soon. Also, Jason and I got the boys completely registered for school, I deferred my student loans from Cosmetology school (due to my lack of official employment), and I rescheduled some necessary appointments for the kids to see their counselor next week.
To a person not living with anxiety and/or depression, making phone calls and cleaning may be something you can do in your sleep. It's just not that easy for some of us. But what helps so much is being able to look up from this computer screen and see some blank spaces on my bulletin board, knowing that I accomplished a few things - a few important things.
I think that's a really good thing for us to keep in mind; we should always be proud of ourselves for making an effort, no matter how small. Any effort is a positive step toward peaceful living.
What are some small tasks you recently accomplished? Did it make you feel like you could conquer more?
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